Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Vanna White


Dear Ms. White:

I am writing to you for several reasons. First I want to tell you that I am a big fan of your letter turning. I couldn’t image anybody other than you turning those letters for me every night.
Secondly, since you are so good with puzzles I was hoping you could help me with my crossword puzzle. I have been stuck on one clue for over a week now and was hoping you would be able to help me out. I am looking for a seven letter word meaning: a term used for an insane person. The puzzle reads as [L][ ][N][ ][T][ ][C]. It is crazy that I can’t get the clue right.
Finally I was wondering if I could get an autograph of you for my collection. I have enclosed a SASE for your return correspondence.
Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Eric Wheeler

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Slash


March 3, 2011 Dear Slash: I was surfing the internet the other day and I came across
an article describing how you named your son London after the city in which he was conceived.
The weird thing is that my wife and I also named our kids after where they were conceived.
The only difference is that we used their place of conception for their middle names.
As of right now we have three children: Lucy Backseat Of Buick Wheeler is 9 years old;
Maxwell Greyhound Bus Lavatory Wheeler is 5 years old; and
Wesley Alley Behind McDonalds Wheeler is 3 years old.
Since I have your attention I was wondering if I could get an autograph photograph of you for
my collection. I have enclosed a SASE for your return correspondence.


Sincerely,

Eric Wheeler

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Ozzy Osbourne

March 20, 2011


Dear Mr. Osbourne:

I am writing to you because I am a big fan. Such a big fan that I am the lead singer in a Black Sabbath tribute band. Everything was going well until recently our bass player went to a Clint Black concert and now insists that we also cover Clint Black songs. After mediation with a licensed counselor we agreed to compromise and we are now combining Clint Black songs and Black Sabbath Songs. We are calling ourselves Clint Black Sabbath and some of our songs are as follows:

Paranoid State of Mind
A Better Iron Man
No time to Kill War Pigs
Fairies Wear Boots so Put Yourself in My Shoes


I hope someday you can come to a Clint Black Sabbath concert.

Since I have your attention I was wondering if I could get an autograph photo of you for my collection. I have enclosed a self addressed stamped envelope for your return correspondence.


Sincerely,

Eric Wheeler

Friday, May 6, 2011

Larry the Cable Guy

March 9, 2011

Dear Mr. Cable Guy:
I am writing to you because I am a big fan of your work. Because of you I decided I wanted a career in the cable industry. I love the idea of being called Eric the Cable Guy. Just last month I applied for a job at the local cable company and they said I would have an appointment last Tuesday between 8:00am and 5:00pm. I waited around the house all day long for them to come for my interview and go figure I went to the restroom at 3:15 for five minutes and missed them. There was a sign on my door knob stating they came by and missed me. Now I have to reschedule and wait around for another day. Until then I guess I will continue to be known as Eric the laundry mat attendant.
I was wondering if I could get an autograph photo of you for my collection. I have enclosed a Self Addressed Stamped Envelope for your return correspondence.

Sincerely,

Eric Wheeler
The Laundry Mat Attendant

Friday, April 29, 2011

Florence Henderson


Yeah, another Brady Bunch success.

Dear Ms. Henderson:

I am writing to you because I am a big fan of both you and the Brady Bunch. In fact I am so much a fan that I started a counseling group which utilizes Brady Bunch episodes to teach families to deal with conflict. The name of my group is Brady Aficionados Recognizing Family Issues Needing Goals or B.A.R.F.I.N.G. for short.
We have a good group of families who are participating and despite a few setbacks we are having some good results. As I mentioned we have a few setbacks including budget cuts forcing us to let go one of our counselors, Chuck. It was hard to give up Chuck but we are managing. Out of seven families who started the program six are graduating. We had to just throw up our hands and let the Miller’s go after they were hurling things at their kids. The last straw was then they were tossing their cookies during snack time. That is not very Brady behavior. The Miller’s are not very happy and have been spewing out lies about our program but we will get through this.

Since I have your attention I was wondering if I could get an Autograph photo of you for my collection. A have enclosed a self addressed stamped envelope for your return correspondence.

Sincerely,

Eric Wheeler

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Sarah Silverman

I was thrilled when Sarah Silverman personalized the photo by saying she was proud I am an asshole.

March 23, 2011

Dear Ms. Silverman:

I am writing to you because I am a big fan of your comedy. Of all the actresses around you are by far the funniest. I am so impressed with your comedy style that I started a fan group for you called Actress Sarah Silverman Has Our Loving Endearment, or A.S.S.H.O.L.E. for short. My A.S.S.H.O.L.E. started off small but I can now proudly say my A.S.S.H.O.L.E. is quite large. What started out informally as a B.S. session with A.S.S.H.O.L.E. spewing out a bunch of crap is now a well organized group. We have elected positions (I am currently the King of A.S.S.H.O.L.E.), a regular meeting schedule and matching T-shirts with your picture on them that say A.S.S.H.O.L.E. across the top. I must say that I am proud to be an A.S.S.H.O.L.E.

Since I am such a big fan I was wondering if I could get an autograph photo of you for my collection. I have enclosed a self addressed stamped envelope for your return correspondence.


Sincerely,

Eric Wheeler
King A.S.S.H.O.L.E.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Bobby Flay


March 9, 2011


Dear Mr. Flay:

I am writing to you because I am a big fan of your work and enjoyed the premiere of America’s Next Great Restaurant. I wish more than anything in the world that I could cook as good as you do. That is one of the reasons that I am writing to you. I have this strange compulsion that when I fish I eat the bait. Fish eggs, stink bait, night crawlers, it doesn’t matter as I am sitting around on the dock I pop them into my mouth and trust me it tastes bad, but I can’t stop myself. I was hoping that you could send me a letter back with suggestions of seasonings I can add to my bait to make it taste better.

Also I was wondering if I could get an autograph photo of you for my collection. I have enclosed a self addressed stamped envelope for your return correspondence.

Thank you for your time and remember I am waiting with baited breath for your autograph and recipe.

Sincerely,


Eric Wheeler

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Jimmy Buffett

March 17, 2011

Dear Mr. Buffett:

I was reading the Internet today and I came across the fact that you have a commercial pilot’s license. Is that true? I too am trying to break into the commercial airline business. I don’t want to be a pilot or anything I am just trying to break in as a vender. I am starting a company that will supply packages of nuts to airlines. My packages will have almonds, peanuts, cashews and walnuts. I call my nut packages Just Plane Nuts. I plan on going to airline conferences dressed up as a package of my nuts and yell at the top of my lungs…I’m Just Plane Nuts. Do you think people will believe that I am Just Plain Nuts?

Since I have your attention I was wondering if I could get an autograph photo of you for my collection. I have enclosed a self addressed stamped envelope for your return correspondence.


Sincerely,


Eric Wheeler
Just Plane Nuts.

David Copperfield

March 20, 2011


Dear Mr. Copperfield:

I am writing to you because I am not only a big fan of magic but also a big fan of your act. You are a top-notch magician.

I too am an aspiring amateur magician. I do what I like to call pharmaceutical magic. My latest trick: I throw two balls into a hat. I drop in some steroids and say the magic words and POOF the balls shrink. Pretty good huh?

The real reason I am writing to you is that I am a big fan of you and I would like your autograph for my collection. I have enclosed a self addressed stamped envelope for your return correspondence.


Sincerely,


Eric Wheeler

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Neil Sedaka

Neil Sedaka
Rob@neilsedaka.com
Dear Mr. Sedaka:

I am writing to you because I am a big fan and I wanted to share some exciting news with you. I used to be in a Vince Neil/Motley Crue tribute band but since I am a big fan of yours I was able to convince my band mates to add some of your music to our set list. We are now known as the Vince Neil Sedaka Tribute Band. We have combined some of your songs and some of Vince Neil’s songs and this weekend we have our first gig. We will be playing such hits as Calendar Girls, Girls, Girls; Shout at the Little Devil; Too Fast for Love Will Keep us Together and Home Sweet Home Next door to an Angel. If you ever find yourself in my neck of the woods let us me know and I can get you tickets to our show.
Since I have your attention I was wondering if I could get an autograph photo of you for my collection. If you send me an address I will send the cost of postage. The autograph photo can be sent to the following address:
Eric Wheeler
Address Withheld
Address Withheld

Sincerely,
Eric Wheeler